You spent an hour writing an email that probably only needed five minutes. You've read it several times, changed a few words, and checked the tone because you don't want to sound too direct. Or too casual. Somehow, you're worried about both.
You finally hit send, but instead of moving on, you start wondering whether you should have phrased something differently.
If this sounds familiar, you probably know how exhausting it can be to hold yourself to such high standards.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to do things well. Being thoughtful, prepared, and conscientious probably serves you well in plenty of areas of your life. But when every decision feels important and every mistake feels personal, those qualities can start making life more difficult than it needs to be.
I see the connection between perfectionism and anxiety often in my work with high-achieving adults. Many are doing quite well by most people's standards, yet they're spending an incredible amount of time and energy worrying about whether they're doing enough.
When Do High Standards Become Perfectionism?
I don't think having high standards is necessarily a problem. Caring about your work, your relationships, and the things you commit to can be a wonderful quality.
What matters is how you respond when something doesn't go according to plan.
Someone with healthy high standards might put a lot of effort into a project, recognize that they've done a good job, and move on. Someone struggling with perfectionism might produce the exact same quality of work but spend the rest of the afternoon thinking about what could have been better.
Maybe you get positive feedback from your boss, but all you can think about is the one suggestion for improvement. Or you make a small mistake and find yourself thinking about it long after everyone else has moved on.
Over time, that kind of pressure can become exhausting, especially when the expectations you have for yourself keep getting higher.
Instead of simply wanting to do something well, you may find yourself working harder and harder to avoid the discomfort of getting something wrong.
Why Perfectionism and Anxiety Often Go Together
Perfectionism and anxiety can reinforce each other in ways that aren't always obvious.
If you're worried about making mistakes, you might prepare more than necessary, double-check your work, or rehearse conversations before they happen. When everything goes smoothly, it's easy to believe that all the extra preparation is what prevented something from going wrong.
So the next time something important comes up, you do it again.
Eventually, you might start feeling like it's your responsibility to anticipate every possible problem.
I see this often with people who are incredibly capable. They manage demanding careers, maintain relationships, and handle responsibilities that would overwhelm plenty of other people. From the outside, they seem confident and organized.
Meanwhile, they're mentally reviewing everything they said in a meeting or wondering whether someone is upset with them because a text message sounded slightly different than usual.
Being capable doesn't mean you're not anxious, and being successful doesn't necessarily mean you feel confident in yourself.
In my work with high achievers and perfectionists, we explore how these patterns develop and why they can be so difficult to change, even when you recognize what you're doing.
The Fear of Getting It Wrong Can Make Every Decision Feel Important
One of the frustrating parts of perfectionism is how much time it can take away from actually enjoying your life.
You might spend an entire evening researching the best option for something that isn't especially important. You ask other people what they think, compare every possibility, and still feel uncomfortable making a choice.
Then, once you've decided, you wonder whether the other option would have been better.
Sometimes the anxiety isn't really about the decision itself. It's about what you imagine it would mean if you made the wrong one.
Maybe you're worried someone will be disappointed. Maybe you don't trust yourself to handle the consequences. Or maybe you've gotten so used to being the person who gets things right that making an ordinary mistake feels much more upsetting than it needs to.
Not every decision deserves that much attention, but when you're caught up in perfectionism, it can be difficult to recognize when you're spending more time worrying about something than it's actually worth.
Perfectionism Can Affect Your Relationships, Too
We often think about perfectionism in terms of work or academic achievement, but it can affect relationships just as much.
You might worry about saying the wrong thing, disappointing someone, or not being available enough. Maybe you replay conversations to see whether you came across the way you intended, or you feel responsible for making sure everyone around you is comfortable.
Sometimes that means agreeing to things you don't really have time for because saying no feels worse than adding another responsibility to your schedule.
Other times, you might avoid difficult conversations because you can't figure out the right way to have them.
I work with people who are wonderfully considerate of others but have a much harder time extending that same consideration to themselves.
You can care about someone's feelings without being responsible for every reaction they have. You can also be a good friend, partner, or colleague without getting everything right all the time.
Of course, understanding that and actually feeling comfortable with it can be two very different things.
Where Does the Need to Be Perfect Come From?
There's no single explanation for why someone develops perfectionistic tendencies.
For some people, achievement became an important source of approval early in life. Maybe you were praised for being responsible, doing well in school, or not causing problems. Over time, you may have started to feel that being capable was one of the most important things people valued about you.
For others, mistakes were met with criticism, conflict, or disappointment, so being prepared became a way to avoid uncomfortable situations.
And sometimes perfectionism develops gradually through demanding environments, professional expectations, or years of feeling responsible for more than your fair share.
These patterns aren't necessarily connected to trauma, and I don't believe every personality trait needs a complicated explanation from childhood.
But when the fear of making mistakes feels especially intense, it can be helpful to understand where that reaction comes from.
For clients whose anxiety is connected to difficult past experiences, trauma processing and EMDR therapy may be part of our work together. EMDR can help people process distressing memories that continue to influence how they respond to situations today.
The point isn't to blame your past for everything. It's to better understand why certain situations feel so overwhelming and what might help you respond to them differently.
How to Start Letting Go of Perfectionism
I wouldn't suggest trying to eliminate your high standards altogether. For most of the people I work with, those standards are connected to things they genuinely value.
Instead, I encourage clients to pay attention to when their expectations are helping them and when they're making life unnecessarily difficult.
Notice when you're spending more energy than something requires. If you've rewritten an email six times, ask yourself what you're hoping the seventh version will accomplish. Sometimes the extra effort is worthwhile. Other times, you're trying to eliminate uncertainty that simply can't be eliminated.
Practice making smaller decisions without overanalyzing them. Start with things that don't carry significant consequences. Choose the restaurant, send the text, or make a plan without researching every possible alternative. You might feel uncomfortable afterward, but that doesn't mean you made the wrong choice. You're practicing trusting yourself without needing complete certainty.
Pay attention to how you talk to yourself after a mistake. Would you speak to a friend the way you speak to yourself? If someone you cared about made the same mistake, would you consider it a serious reflection of their abilities or character? Most of us are far more understanding of other people's mistakes than our own.
Question whether your expectations are realistic. It's one thing to want to do a good job. It's another to expect yourself to anticipate every problem, please everyone, and never have an off day. Even the most capable people have limits, although perfectionism can make it difficult to acknowledge your own.
These changes take practice, especially when perfectionism has been part of how you've approached life for years. And if you catch yourself trying to become the very best person at overcoming perfectionism, you might want to give yourself a little grace there, too.
You Can Care About Doing Well Without Being So Hard on Yourself
If perfectionism and anxiety have become part of your everyday life, working on these patterns doesn't mean becoming less ambitious or lowering your expectations for everything.
You can still care deeply about your work, your relationships, and the things you want to accomplish. The difference is learning to recognize when you're putting unnecessary pressure on yourself and becoming more comfortable with things not always going exactly as planned.
In therapy, I help clients explore the expectations they've been carrying, how those expectations affect their anxiety, and what it might look like to approach life with less self-criticism.
I offer in-person therapy in Pasadena and virtual therapy for adults throughout California, so we can work together even if you don't live nearby.
If you're tired of feeling like everything has to be done exactly right, you're welcome to reach out for a consultation. We can talk about what's been going on and whether therapy might be a good fit.
You don't have to stop caring about doing things well. It would just be nice if doing your best didn't have to feel quite so stressful.
